Monday, June 26, 2006
I don't even know where to begin. I've heard people say time and time again, "God only gives a person as much as they can handle." What I wonder, and have for a LONG time, is:
Does God think I'm some sort of Superwoman?!?!?!?!
Call it a pity party if you'd like, but I feel like I've had WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY more than one person's share of hard times these past couple years and I seriously don't know how much more I can handle. I'm still trying to figure out what the message in all this is and I just have no clue.
Why can't I be a normal person with a normal job and a normal relationship? Lamby and I have been on a "break" since early April and lately I'm thinking it might be for good. Emotionally, I feel worse than I did when I was getting divorced b/c it wasn't an ugly conversation when we decided on the "break" and agreed that we still loved each other, still wanted to talk to each other and both still believed that there was hope for us sometime in the future. So it didn't seem so permanent to me, but now I'm not so sure. I can already tell I'm losing weight again b/c most of the time I feel too sick to eat a full meal. At this point, that's not necessarily a bad thing, since I had gained some of the weight I lost back over time. So, I guess I'm plump when I'm happy and an orange on a toothpick when I'm not.
I know deep down that I should be happy that for the most part I'm healthy. I have a friend of the family that is close to my age that is battling colon cancer AND leukemia and is a father of a 3 year old. I should be happy that God didn't choose that "test" for me I guess, but it is seriously hard to be happy about everything going on in my life, or actually.....the lack of.
Pity party intermission......................................................................................................
Last week I had a 2nd interview for a job I REALLY want and am currently waiting to hear the outcome. I am excited at the thought of getting a REAL job, but scared shitless that I will once again be the "strong candidate" that didn't get the job. I am supposed to hear something this week, so every day I will come home from work and be paranoid to check my mail. I'm hoping this week will be the turn of events I've been waiting patiently for...........
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Does God think I'm some sort of Superwoman?!?!?!?!
Call it a pity party if you'd like, but I feel like I've had WAAAAAAAAYYYYYY more than one person's share of hard times these past couple years and I seriously don't know how much more I can handle. I'm still trying to figure out what the message in all this is and I just have no clue.
Why can't I be a normal person with a normal job and a normal relationship? Lamby and I have been on a "break" since early April and lately I'm thinking it might be for good. Emotionally, I feel worse than I did when I was getting divorced b/c it wasn't an ugly conversation when we decided on the "break" and agreed that we still loved each other, still wanted to talk to each other and both still believed that there was hope for us sometime in the future. So it didn't seem so permanent to me, but now I'm not so sure. I can already tell I'm losing weight again b/c most of the time I feel too sick to eat a full meal. At this point, that's not necessarily a bad thing, since I had gained some of the weight I lost back over time. So, I guess I'm plump when I'm happy and an orange on a toothpick when I'm not.
I know deep down that I should be happy that for the most part I'm healthy. I have a friend of the family that is close to my age that is battling colon cancer AND leukemia and is a father of a 3 year old. I should be happy that God didn't choose that "test" for me I guess, but it is seriously hard to be happy about everything going on in my life, or actually.....the lack of.
Pity party intermission......................................................................................................
Last week I had a 2nd interview for a job I REALLY want and am currently waiting to hear the outcome. I am excited at the thought of getting a REAL job, but scared shitless that I will once again be the "strong candidate" that didn't get the job. I am supposed to hear something this week, so every day I will come home from work and be paranoid to check my mail. I'm hoping this week will be the turn of events I've been waiting patiently for...........
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